Co-written with my AI sidekick, Andrew (aka ChatGPT).
Let me go ahead and say it:
I don’t always return my cart.
And yes, I’ve seen the videos. You know the ones.
That big buff dude who follows people around grocery store parking lots, filming them as he confronts them like they just committed a felony.
“You didn’t return your cart!”
“You’re taking up a spot!”
“You’re ruining society!”
And he usually posts up behind people’s cars until they return the card, all while he watches like a CIA agent. And some of the people that do this on the videos are scary af, like I know one I saw, the dude was built like a fridge.
Those videos live rent-free in my head and have me ruminating that one day I’ll be that ‘bad citizen’ on camera who didn’t put their cart away, RIP.
Now before you come for me, let me explain.
It’s not always laziness. (Okay, sometimes it’s laziness.)
But a lot of the time?
It’s paranoia.
I’ve seen way too many stories about human trafficking. Now I know I’m not exactly the easiest person to kidnap—I’m a chubby mess, *blows kiss.
But still. It crosses my mind every single time I’m out alone or with my sister’s kids.
So when I finish shopping, I go full security mode:
- Load the bags.
- Scan surroundings.
- Get the kids in fast.
- Get the cart out of the way just enough not to block someone else’s car.
- GTFO.
I know it’s not ideal. I know the cart might inconvenience someone.
But sometimes, survival mode wins over social etiquette.
Also? Let’s be real. Grocery shopping already drains me. And if the cart return area is halfway to Narnia, there’s a good chance I’m mentally checked out by the time I hit the parking lot.
I’ve also worked in grocery before—and weirdly, collecting carts was my favorite part. There’s no people, no stress, just you and your little cart train vibing in the sun. So when people say, “That’s someone’s job!” I kind of think… yeah. And some of them actually enjoy that job. (Shoutout to the real ones.)
Of course, I get the other side too. Carts can roll, hit cars, block spaces, and all that. I’m not saying I’m proud of my habits. But I’m also not going to spiral into thinking I’m a morally bankrupt gremlin because I didn’t push my cart into a corral while panicking about kidnappers and mental burnout.
Moral of the story?
Sometimes the cart doesn’t get returned.
Sometimes I’m just doing my best.
And if I ever do get stopped on camera by one of those cart vigilantes, I’m gonna hit ‘em with the truth:
“Sir, I’m not trying to ruin society. I’m just trying to survive CVS.”
😬